Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
