you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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