Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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