I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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