Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
