I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
