obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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