SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
