tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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