i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
