Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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