I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I touched a dick in church today
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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