Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
