fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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