I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
