some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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