sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
