1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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