Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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