I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize