Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
