were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
