The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
