I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
