Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
