Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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