He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
