I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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