Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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