If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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