You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
