Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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