before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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