All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize