Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
