Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
