So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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