i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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