So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
