if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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