she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
