we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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