why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
