Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
