i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
