Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Randomize
