What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize