My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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