she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
