i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
