Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We left the knife in your bed.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
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