i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
