My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
