You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize