Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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