so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
