I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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