officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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