My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
