Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
this beer tastes like vomit already
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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